HEROES
5 Years Gone
aka: "Off Camera Action FTW"
by Peter Sorensen

It's five years in the future and the world is a bleak place. After an explosion destroyed half of New York City, people with special abilities have become feared, then hated. The government has turned on them, tracking them down like animals. In this timeline, Hiro has spent the last five years trying to pinpoint the exact time and place to change the past, an act he hopes will change the future. Sadly, that isn't exactly the case.

Tonights episode of Heroes was awesome. Weeks and weeks of reviews, and I can honestly think of no better word to describe it than that: awesome. And to nick a line from Eddie Izzard, "no, not like a hot dog." Awesome in the biblical sense.  Possum minus the P.

From last weeks online novel, we learned that in Future Hiro's timeline Sylar killed Claire and took her healing powers. Hiro stabbed Sylar, who healed and then blew up half of New York City (or did he?). This is why Future Hiro traveled into the past to warn Peter Petrelli. If Claire survives, then Sylar can't heal himself and Hiro can kill him.

Unfortunately, that's not quite how things worked out. Hiro traveled into the future and never stabbed Sylar, so everything stays pretty much the same. Sylar still blows up, the world still turns against those with special powers, Nathan Petrelli becomes President. And with that, we are treated to the Bizarro World that is "5 Years Gone".

"Don't think about her and Nathan, don't think about her and Nathan..."

Future Hiro is considered a terrorist for his actions against the government. Peter has retreated to Las Vegas and has shacked up with Nikki, who lost Micah and Jessica in the blast (by the way: Ewwwww. She knocked boots with his brother! Whether or not it was actually Nikki or Jessica who did it doesn't really matter when you think about it). Meanwhile, back at the Primatech Paper Mill, HRG and Hana Gittleman are running an underground railroad of sorts, helping "specials" relocate with new identities. Parkman and the Haitian work for Homeland Security and are rounding up specials they consider to be dangerous. Mohinder is working on a cure for their genetic sequence. The world is a crazy place, and getting crazier by the minute.

Nathan Petrelli, now the President, decides that just having the bad haircut and ridiculous teeth aren't enough: he needs to be reeeeally evil. So, he puts a plan into action that will kill all the specials out there, thus ensuring the survival of the "normal" people on the planet. Mohinder, who is STILL ALIVE (dang) is understandably reluctant. Meanwhile, Parkman and the Haitian raid the loft where both Hiros and Ando are and captures Present Hiro while Future Hiro and Present Ando escape. Wow, this is already getting complicated to keep straight and I'm not even past the first 10 minutes of the show. And isn't there some universal time travel law where you can't talk to a previous version of yourself? It must not apply to Hiro.

"Weren't you Jesse on Saved by the Bell?"

Hiro and Ando contact Nikki, who is once again a stripper. You know what they say, "Once a stripper, always a bad actress". Or something like that. I dunno, ask Elizabeth Berkley. Anyway, as it turns out she's been pulling the "horizontal hero hug" with Peter Petrelli, who wants no part of their plan. Future Hiro then takes Ando and tries to convince HRG to help them by giving them the location of the other heroes. As it turns out, HRG has been turning the dangerous ones over to Homeland Security. Parkman storms the paper mill and tazers Future Hiro. All looks lost.

Suddently, materializing out of thin air, Peter Petrelli, badass that he is, comes rolling in like a pimp, tosses guards around with his telekinesis, stops time and teleports both Ando and Future Hiro out of there. I don't care how many times they show it; I don't care if they have it in every episode for the entirety of my life: when Peter Petrelli mans up and uses all of his super powers, it's never anything but fan-friggin-tastic. I have to admit, at this point in the show I was jumping around my living room like an nine year old idiot, punching the air and shouting "Yeah, yeah, get 'im, get 'im!" the entire time. I have no dignity left, but I'm surprisingly OK with that.

"This is me at my most... masochistic."

We are then treated to a surprise when we learn that not only was Peter the bomb (in this timeline only: don't get your panties in a twist all you theorists), but that Parkman is a major dick. After we find out that HRG helped hide Parkman's wife and son (who apparently has powers), Parkman kills Hana Gittleman and HRG, all to find out the location of a very special young lady: Claire Bennett. And if you thought she couldn't get any hotter, you were wrong. Way wrong.

Let me take a moment here and speak directly to Ms. Panatierre. Hayden, baby? You out there? Hi. How's it going? Marry me. I'll love you baby. I'll take care of you. I know you're only 17, but I can wait a year. Just make sure you bring that brunette wig with you, OK? Ok.

Whew. Now that I got that out of the way, Nathan and Mohinder meet in the loft and Nathan tells Mohinder to kill Hiro. Mohinder agrees, but as we all know (since Sylar is still alive) Mohinderjaya just doesn't have the marbles to end someone's life, no matter how easy it would be; for instance, if a psychopathic superpowered killer was unconscious on the floor of his apartment and there were at least seven different ways to kill him lying about. *cough, cough*, yeah. Parkman shows up and lets Nathan know that he found Claire, and this is where the writers start tossing twists at us with a Texas-sized capital "T". After a quick tirade about being the most special person there is (he's so emo), Nathan is revealed to actually be Sylar in disguise. As it turns out, Sylar killed Candace (the shape shifter) and has been parading about as Nathan Petrelli. All of the heroes that HRG turned over to Parkman? Dead. Killed by Sylar and their powers taken. Sylar kills Claire and takes her power.

Peter, Ando, and Future Hiro attack the government facility where Hiro is being held, and I have to comment that I was a little disappointed. After what is one of the greatest pre-fight setups ever, the actual fight was a let down. "Do you want to stop time?", Future Hiro asks. To which Peter replies, "I haven't had a good fight in a while". Cue heavy metal music and awesome fight scene, right? Right? Wrong. Instead of the Matrix-lobby-fight-scene style battle I expected to take place, we get a quick glimpse of Future Hiro slicing someone and Peter launches a guard into the air OFF CAMERA. Weak. I sit down.

Meanwhile, Sylar/Nathan makes some big speech that I'm sure had some kind of vague relevance to our current political situation. I'm not really sure. If I can tune out the real President when he makes up this crap, I can definitely tune out a fictional President when he makes up this crap. Upon being aprised of the developing situation at the facility, he takes to the air (I love, repeat LOVE the flying special effects) and goes after Peter.

"How about I give you the finger... and you give me my phone call."

Mohinder saves Hiros life at the last moment by killing the Haitian (way to go, I guess?). As it turns out, Isaac's last issue of 9th Wonders had this very scene in it, and Mohinder found it at the loft earlier. It also shows Hiro exactly what he must do to stop Sylar, which completes what Isaac said in the last episode. Peter, Hiro, and Ando somehow make it past Parkman and a small army of police(still not quite sure how, someone fill me in here) and try to protect Hiro. Nathan/Sylar arrives and it doesn't take long for Peter to realize that he's not Nathan. Sylar pulls out the freezing ice powers, Peter pulls out the nuclear fire, and they launch into what would be the most visually incredible, well choreographed battle we've ever witnessed. If we had witnessed it that is, because the entire thing took place OFF CAMERA! What the hell? I try to remind myself that they aren't showing us the cool battles because they want the final battle between Peter and Sylar to be more visceral, more rewarding.

Parkman shoots and kills Future Hiro while Ando and Hiro travel back and return to the present day. This opens up the floodgates of possibilities again because, in the future, Sylar can take Hiro's power as long as he defeats Peter Petrelli. So, people who could be the bomb:

1. Peter Petrelli. He blows up.
2. Sylar. He kills Nuclear Ted, and blows up.
3. Nuclear Ted. Who knows? Something could piss him off.
4. Future Sylar. He could travel back after taking Hiros power in the future and blow up.
5. Future Peter. Same thing as #4.
6. Mohinder.

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